


Troubled Tossing of the Waves

by Altenprano



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caduceus and the rest of the Nein are mentioned, Hurt/Comfort, Jester has a lot of feelings about a lot of things, Jester needs to talk about her feelings sometimes, spoilers for ep 44
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 05:40:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16968699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Altenprano/pseuds/Altenprano
Summary: After the events in Dashilla's den, Beau can't sleep, and neither can Jester, not after the events of that day. Beau, worried about what has her friend upset, tries to get Jester to open up and talk about it.





	Troubled Tossing of the Waves

That evening, once everyone has retired to their cabins for some much-needed sleep, Beau finds herself unable to sleep. 

Maybe it is the gentle rocking of the  _ Squall Eater _ as she continues to make her way across the ocean, or the way her sides creak as she rocks over a swell- Beau isn’t sure. It has to do with the boat, that much she knew, because she doesn’t usually have trouble falling asleep, not in the way she is now. When she first stayed at the Cobalt Reserve, the sleeping mats that students used were thin and hard, but she slept fine, and she slept fine at the desks in the library as well. Part of her reputation (aside from a trouble-maker and whatever people who knew thought about her father) was her ability to fall asleep pretty much anywhere.

Grabbing her robe off the nail by her bunk and wrapping it around her, Beau heads for the deck, hopeful that some fresh air will help. It’ll clear her head at least, and help all the events of the day settle in her memory so she can deal with them later. 

She moves quietly, so as to keep from waking anyone else just because of one misplaced step, part of her expecting to see Vera or even Avantica in the shadows of belowdecks.  _ Don’t be silly _ , she reminds herself, stepping over a board that she knows will squeak and groan if she steps on it and sprinting to the short stairs that lead up to the deck. 

Outside, the air is cool, tinged with the taste of sea-spray and, at the moment, something a bit more green, algae, perhaps. The sky overhead is cloudless, the two moons watching the world below like a pair of mismatched eyes that belong to some massive creature beyond anyone’s understanding. Stars glimmer like small diamonds on a velvet sheet, arranged into careful patterns rather than carelessly scattered. A steady breeze fills the canvas sails, and a small tendril of the same breeze stirs the hem of Beau’s robe and snakes around her ankles. 

In the light afforded by the moons, Beau can see she’s not the only one on the deck. Near the rail, she can see Jester staring out at the ocean. The tiefling girl is dressed in her nightdress (her petticoats drenched from the day’s encounter and still drying), with her green capelet as her only protection from the sea breeze. 

Beau’s brow furrows as she  makes her way towards her friend, making a little noise so she doesn’t spook the tiefling, and soon she is leaning on the rail beside her, staring out at the ocean. Out of the corner of her eye, she catches Jester’s expression- lips set in a contemplative line, and brows furrowed with a thoughtfulness that Beau isn’t sure she’s seen on the young cleric’s face before. 

“Can’t sleep?” the monk asks, giving up on the silence between them. She isn’t used to silence from Jester, and so she can only assume that there’s something on the other girl’s mind, because why else would Jester be so quiet?

Jester starts at Beau’s question (did she really not hear Beau approach?), and, once she settles, shrugs. “I guess, yeah,” she says, and Beau swears she hears some kind of uncertainty in Jester’s voice, or maybe she’s reading too far into things. 

“Is something the matter?” Beau’s surprised at herself for this question, but then again, she’s been surprised at herself for a lot of things in the last few months- making friends with someone like Jester is just one of them. She knows her tone makes her seem brusque and sarcastic, but she does worry about her friend, more than she would ever admit if she were asked. “‘Cause, you know, keeping it to yourself and all won’t make it go away.” 

Jester looks at Beau, her attention leaving the sea for a moment as she turns her head, causing her fluffy, just-drying curls of hair to bounce a little. Her gaze- which Beau would definitely describe as doe-eyed, if there wasn’t a quiet, expressive mournfulness in them now- meets Beau’s, and Beau swears the girl is on the verge of tears, a state she’s only seen her in once, maybe twice. 

“It’s just...a lot’s happened lately, and I’m not sure- I’m not sure if Fjord likes me or if I even like Fjord, or if I just like him because he’s handsome and nice to me or because he protected me that one time or.”

Beau presses her lips together, and there’s a tug in her gut that tells her there’s more to Jester’s sudden distress than Fjord, but that can wait. She isn’t good with relationship advice, not in the way Molly might have been, but she can definitely try.

“I’m sure he likes you.” Okay, there was the whole situation with him sleeping with Avantika, but Beau doubts he was actually into that madwoman. Was she attractive in a slightly terrifying, but also kind of hot, way? Yeah, but that’s the past now, and Beau’s pretty sure it was Fjord’s attempt at getting the upper hand. “He did save you back at the temple on the island.” 

“He did, and it was pretty romantic.” Jester’s expression brightens for a moment, and Beau wonders if the tiefling is blushing at the memory, but then a shadow settles across her features once more. “But what if he’s not who I thought he was? What if I’m in love with the wrong Fjord, and that’s not the real Fjord, and the real Fjord is someone...someone entirely different?” 

“Why would you say that?”

With a quiet, almost defeated sigh, Jester turns her gaze back to the ocean. “Today after we fought Dashilla, I followed Fjord and Caleb, because, you know, if Fjord went down we wouldn’t be able to breathe down there or whatever, and Caleb’s really squishy,” she says, worrying at her lip with her teeth as she pauses. “And I don’t know if they knew I was there, but they both, um...they were talking- I didn’t really hear what they said either- and then Caleb cut his hand and Fjord cut his and the walls started glowing...I don’t know what they did, or if they knew what they did either, and Yasha didn’t say anything.” 

Beau’s brow furrows, and she feels something coil in her belly- rage, anxiety, she isn’t sure what it is, except that it’s unpleasant and it’s there now. She swallows the feeling, pushes it away so there’s no danger of it creeping into her voice when she next speaks. 

“It’s not your fault,” she says, glancing out over the ocean. “Whatever happened, it’s not your fault.” 

“But it is!” And with that, Jester bursts into tears, sinking to the deck and pulling her knees close. “If something happens to them because of it, it’s my fault, because I didn’t speak up, because I didn’t say they shouldn’t do it. I’m supposed to protect you guys- I’m the cleric!”

“Hey.” Beau settles herself beside Jester and puts an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close in an attempt to comfort the girl. “It’s not your fault, okay? You did great today, and you always do great. You’re a great cleric.” 

“Don’t try and make me feel better, because I know you guys like Caduceus more, because he actually heals you guys, and I don’t, and he actually knows how to be a cleric, and I don’t know anything.” 

“Dude, just because Caduceus does a lot of healing doesn’t mean we like him more. Besides, he once summoned a shit-ton of bugs by saying “lunchtime, children,” which is pretty fucking creepy, not to mention when he heals us, we’ve got to deal with the weird magical moss- again, creepy.” Beau hopes this will get at least a small smile from Jester, and when it doesn’t, she tries something else. “Look- a cleric isn’t all about healing people, just like being a monk isn’t all about reading books and meditating.” 

“Stop lying to make me feel better, because it’s not working.” There is a  sharpness in Jester’s tone that catches Beau off-guard.

“I’m not lying,” Beau says, shrugging off the sudden shift in tone and hiding how it stings her to hear Jester speak that way. “You’re my best friend, Jester- I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this.” 

“Do you think...do you think I did the right thing then, by not telling Fjord and Caleb to stop...to stop whatever it is they were doing down there?” Jester edges closer to Beau, knees still drawn to her chest. Her cheeks glimmer with tears, but the sobs have, for the most part faded, leaving only faint hiccups in Jester’s voice. “What if it was something really bad?”

Beau holds the other girl close, not opposed to the contact, but very much unaccustomed to someone seeking it from her. “Whatever Fjord and Caleb did, that was their choice to make,” she says, “and knowing those two, they probably won’t say much about why either, so we can only trust that those two know what they’re doing.”

“And you don’t think I’m a bad cleric just because I don’t heal people a lot like Caduceus?”

“Of course not.” Beau pulls Jester closer, lets the tiefling girl lay her head carefully on Beau’s shoulder. “You’re a fucking badass cleric, and the best friend anyone could ask for, before you go doubting that too.” 

“You’re not so bad yourself, you know,” Jester remarks, and a small smile- the first time Beau’s seen her smile since coming out here- flits across her lips. “I mean, you would be so much better if you were less grumpy, and if you didn’t snore like a bear, or if you let me braid your hair.” 

Beau can’t help but grin. “I get it, I get it,” she says, shifting her position so her legs don’t fall asleep. “If you want to so badly, you can braid my hair in the morning. I don’t imagine we’ll be getting into much trouble after today.” I hope not. 

Violet eyes light up. “Really?”

“I mean, it’s probably too short to do much with, but you can try.” 

“Oh Beau! You’re the best friend ever! Well, besides the Traveler, but he’s a different kind of friend, so you’re definitely my best friend who I get to see all the time.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Beau can’t help but roll her eyes as the Jester she knows from the last few months returns at such a simple comment. “Let’s get back to our cabins, yeah? Maybe we’ll manage to get some sleep, or at least be out of the wind.”

Jester nods and stands, waiting for Beau to follow before the two make it back to their shared cabin belowdecks. The tiefling is asleep the moment she hits the straw mattress of the bunk, not even bothering to take off her capelet, while Beau lies awake for a while longer, praying to whatever gods still care to listen to her that whatever Caleb and Fjord did today won’t come back to bite the Mighty Nein in the ass, though she’s almost certain that with their track record, it will.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> This is one of the first times I've written a piece focusing on Jester, and I'm still getting used to her characterization, so feel free to leave comments!


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